A few days ago, I was at a friend’s house where we just had casual conversation and relaxed, doing little of significance. At one point, while she was outside, I decided to take out the wallet from my pocket — I’m more comfortable with empty pockets –, but then I paused, realizing that I might forget about it, and that if I did, she might think that I had intentionally left it there (something that would, interestingly, never cross my mind were she a man). But, I thought: “I won’t forget about it and it’s unhealthy to worry about others assigning motives to our every action”. I did forget it and the next day she called me, briefly stopped by on her way to work and gave it to me. I still don’t know if she assigned a purpose to my action (that I put the wallet on the table so as to have an excuse to meet her again), or if she assumed that I had just left it there by accident (that I put it on the table because I was more comfortable that way). I might figure that one out when she reads this post.
This may perhaps seem insignificant, but this pattern where our actions may be fueled by distinct desires to either serve a certain social purpose or satisfy a personal pleasure, and where we worry about being misinterpreted, seems to represent a significant part of our most petty social dilemmas. There is sometimes a lack of fluidity in our actions, where we have to worry about following invisible rules and being interpreted. I suspect that, on the whole, this is something that is unwanted in the ideal society, though it may be something that is just part of our nature.
Consider, for example, how Saint Thomas Aquinas saw sex as something to be done for a purpose — reproduction — and that to have sex for the sake of pleasure was immoral, hence the moral ban on actions that people could not even pretend were for a “purpose”, such as oral, anal and homosexual sex. This was an example of people doing something for pleasure (having sex), while wanting others to believe that they were doing this for a purpose (for children).
Or we can consider something petty, where the opposite is true. I enjoy riding my bicycle without my hands. However, some might see this as an attempt to impress strangers, which is something that would seem rather petty, and I do not want to seem so petty as to do such things. Thus, I am pressured to keep his hands on my bike when I pass in front of others, so as to not appear to be trying to impress them, so as that no false purpose is assigned to my actions. In this case, I do not want to be misinterpreted as doing a certain action for a purpose, when I am simply doing it for pleasure.
This leaves us with cases where we want to be seen as pursuing pleasure and cases where we want to be seen as pursuing a purpose. In both cases, it is possible that we want to be seen as seeking pleasure or purpose regardless of whether or not this is actually what motivates us.
I suspect that, in reality, this is often more complex, but even with the simplification I have made here (by dividing the motivations for pleasure and purpose, when they probably coexist in one way or another), I believe that I have made note of a significant aspect of how we interact with each other. In my daily life I find myself in situations where I risk being misinterpreted and this is something that I have to think about so as to maintain an accurate image of myself.
Ideally, I believe that — like when we are with close friends — there should never be such worries and people should not try to find motives behind our every action. But I believe that this is part of our flawed nature and I fear that there is not much we can do to alleviate this issue except on the individual scale, where it is possible to be ourselves to a certain extent (and only to a certain extent!) and not worry about having to change our actions based on the perspective of others. This is achieved by recognizing the petty nature of human behavior and refusing to fall into certain psychological pressures we often perceive, be those perceptions accurate or not.
Dussault